Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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