remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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