I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
