You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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