woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
