so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
