eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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