Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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