don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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