I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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