you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
