I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
