Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
