dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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