I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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