I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize