If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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