I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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