I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
