Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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