I hate your face
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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