I accidentally had phone sex last night
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
