My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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