you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
