got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
