Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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