its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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