Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
