he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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