we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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