If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
