Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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