Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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