y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
