so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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