Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
