Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
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