I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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