Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize