Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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