I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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