I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
