My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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