I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just found a bag of teeth...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
