Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
