I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
nutella sex= disaster
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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