I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
