So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
