just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
