3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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