I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
