His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
