and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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