There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
