and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
