oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
